Swim or be saved?

Feeling so alone. So helpless.
Even with my closest friends and even family, i am awkward.
What's wrong with me?
WHY am i doing this?!?
WHO THE HELL EVEN AM I ANYMORE?!?!?
Honestly... It's a cliche, i know, but i don't know WHO i am.
My personality changes all the time, i am aware.
I can not think before i say.
I studder, I fumble, I trip, I cry, I weird people out.
But why? Why am i this... or THESE person who does this?
Wasn't I normal before??
Was THAT fake too..?  A mirage, a sham..?
Honestly, I can't even remember.
My world is bursting at the seams.
I am lost in the ocean.
no one dares ot pick me up and rescue me, because they are weirded out.
They attempt to.. but then they realise... "Why should I?? the water is only 3 feet deep."
Still i lay there.
Floating in the water.
Hopelessly.
Every now and then, I realise that i just need to build up the strength to lunge my feet down and jump out of the water, but i never do.... why don't i?? IT is SO easy to do. I could even just swim back to shore! it is a bit of distance, but somewhere along the way i would realise that the water is getting shallower and shallower, and eventually stand up.
Well,
Too bad i don't do this.
I just lay there.
In the deep blue.
Worrying about losing the people who aren't even coming to the rescue.
Yet, who am i to blame them... maybe they too realize that i could just stand, or simply swim.
I wait and wait, and ever now and then someone swims up beside me and chats with me for a while, but they never touch me.
They just SWIM on bye, once they realize i am a socially awkward FREAK.
the world is pityless.
But i dont need pity anymore.